One minute I’ll be content with being pregnant, another I’ll be happy, and another I’ll be flipping out because I think something is wrong.
I think some women are told, “If you don’t have bleeding, then everything is fine.”
I beg to differ. I, unfortunately, know that you don’t have to bleed for something to be wrong. And this is what is making this pregnancy so terrifying for me. If my miscarriage had ended with bleeding, then evey day that I’ve gone without seeing blood would be a blessing and I’d be thanking God everything is okay still. But that’s not what happened. I didn’t realize something was wrong until four weeks after my first ultrasound.
I guess it’s normal for a pregnant woman to go through a wide range of emotions, with all the hormones running through her and all. But sometimes I feel like my feelings of fear and anxiety are taken to a whole new extreme given my situation.
So, given my situation, I caved earlier this week and ordered a Sonoline B fetal doppler. It should come in the mail today. I felt pretty good about my decision. For about five minutes. Then I started panicking again. What if I get it and I can’t hear the heart beat? (This is my number one fear.) I didn’t discuss getting a doppler with my doctor, will she get upset I bought one after I call in a panic and she winds up finding it for me? (She made me feel like it’s time for me to stop being anxious and relax when I saw her at my last appointment. I think she’d think I am nuts for even considering buying a fetal doppler and I don’t really want to be chastised for it.) What if using it really isn’t good for the baby? (I’ve read several posts on message boards that indicate some studies say it may not be good for the baby.) AAARRGG! I go crazy thinking these things.
But then I have to tell myself, what if I can hear it? If listening for it once a week is what it’s going to take for me to relax between doctor appointments, it’s got to be worth it.
So today I sit here. And wait. I am secretly hoping that the fetal doppler comes before Hubby gets home. I’d really rather try using it by myself first. If I get frustrated with it while I use it with him around then I run the risk of taking it out on him, which I don’t want to do. He’s been so great about going out and getting me food for dinner. I don’t want him to decide not to because I’ve hurt his feelings. My sense of smell and stomach won’t tolerate it :o)