Do you see that? There’s a faint positive there on that test I took on Friday. It was darker this morning.
I can’t really describe how I have been feeling other than everything. Peace, happy, fear, anxiety, panic, sad. I’ve felt it all, but mostly calm. It’s weird. I don’t feel like I can trust it. But it’s been such a long time since I’ve felt any kind of calm, so I’ve been basking in it.
With my first baby, I felt a sense of doom as soon as the second line appeared. With G, I knew I’d take him home despite the panic and anxiety I had during his pregnancy.
But this time? I have no idea. I feel like my gut can’t decide. Maybe it’s because I have lost one baby and birthed one baby. I don’t have a track record favoring one way or the other. This can go either way.
I have to wait until closer to the end of July for my first prenatal appointment. Until then, I am hoping this sense of calm sticks around. Waiting is going to be hard, especially since I got to see G three or four times before we were 9 weeks along.
I’ve been thinking about and dwelling on a lot of baby-related things during the last couple weeks. But mostly I’ve been in awe over this calm that has washed over me for the last week. It’s really the only thing that made me think, maybe I’m pregnant and prompted me to sneak away and buy a pregnancy test on Friday. It’s the only thing that’s been screamingly different about me.
Once Hubby knows (and he will before I hit “Publish” on this), I’m scared this sense of peace will go. Because I know he will freak, just like the last two times. He’s not one to show emotion, so I’ve never gotten a “This is great!” or even a hug over a BFP. Instead, he gets quiet. He freaks out over money or where we’re living. It’s normal for guys to worry about that kind of thing, I know. And I know this time he will also worry about postpartum depression and the lack of sleep we’re in for. Yes, he will worry and it makes me worried and I don’t want to be worried yet. Hence, why I’ve known all weekend and he hasn’t.
Yesterday we were on our way to my in-laws and the new Christina Aguilera/Pitbull song came on, “Feel This Moment.” I’ve never really paid attention to it before, but I caught the words “But until the gates are open, I just wanna feel this moment.” That stood out at me. That’s how I feel. I want to be in this moment, to feel this peace and happiness I haven’t felt in so long, before this news is less of a secret and more of a known fact.
And when this news will become more of a known fact remains a decision I have been dwelling on all day. So, sssshhhhh for now, Internet!